DRIVING ME CRAZY

OK you had to figure it was only a matter of time before i pulled out a blog concerning driving skills or lack thereof. Yes every day I like all of you head out of the house and get in my car. I do this mainly without even thinking of it. I rarely, if ever ponder the, ''what ifs''. I simply open the door, slide behind the wheel and off i go to whatever destination is required for that particular moment. Recently though i have come to realize that making it to and from my destination has become so frustrating that i am truly considering sending my car to the scrap yard and buying a life time bus pass.

In general there is not anyone reading this who does not take their car out every day. For that matter most of us use it more then just once. If you have children then you probably spend more time in your car, SUV, or van then you do in your own home and probably log more miles then the average cab driver in your city. In my case due to my work and for pleasure I have had a unique opportunity to drive in many places around North America. No i am not a truck driver. I have crossed the country from PEI to Alberta twice. Once using the Canada route and once using a US route. I have driven from Montreal to Florida and back half a dozen times. I have driven to Houston, Texas and back. I have driven through California, Colorado, Montana, Arizona and just about every other state you can name. I have spent time living and driving in British Columbia. So in essence i have covered most of the US and Canada via rubber tire.

People often ask me. Rob in your opinion who drives best and who drives worst? I have often had a hard time answering that question. My easy fall back used to be drivers from Ontario were the worst and drivers from Quebec were the best. QUEBEC! WHAT? You say QUEBEC!!! Now calm down and I'll explain. I learned to drive in Quebec. I went to driving school and got my permit when i was 18 years old. I grew up driving the mad streets and highways of this province. The thing i always loved about driving in Quebec was that the drivers here were predictable. Yes predictable. They drove fast, they drove on the edge, they did questionable things but they were predictable. You knew that if there was a major traffic jam on a highway and you were trying to merge you were most likely to encounter a car coming the wrong way up the on ramp trying to escape traffic and expecting You to get out of the way. No surprise. If you were in a major traffic jam you were for sure going to see a bunch of cars racing down the shoulder of the road like it was just another lane on the highway and probably saw a cop sitting in one of those U-Turns letting it all happen. Best of all you knew that if you planned to get into the passing lane your speedometer better not indicate anything less then 140 KM Hr (75 miles per hour). I loved driving here. I always knew what to expect. When i travelled to the US, Ontario or Western Canada i often found myself extremely frustrated and frequently stunned by what i encountered on the road. In most of the US and Western Canada i found out quickly that driving 57 miles per hour in the passing lane to pass a car traveling 55 miles per hour was normal practice, often resulting in a 5 mile traffic jam on a two lane road as the person in the passing lane took 15 minutes to pass the the slower vehicle by 2 miles per hour. That driving along in the passing lane with not another car insight was perfectly reasonable and screw you buddy you just pass me on the right cause Willy Nelson is playing and i ain't moving. I was always surprised to be sailing down a road a 40 Miles per hour only to have a person merge onto the road 50 feet in front of me like i wasn't even there; and when i laid on the horn i was greeted by a finger and a rear view mirror look which said, ''you don't own the road dip shit''. I was stunned to see people burn through stop signs like they didn't even exist, driving the wrong way down the Highway cause the big Red sign that said, ''DO NOT ENTER'' really meant nothing. Yes i saw allot of stuff crossing North America but i always felt safest driving in Quebec. That was until about 5 years ago.

Something happened in Quebec over the last 5 years and i have no idea what it was. Everyone just threw out what they used to know and choose to apply what was wrong everywhere else. Driving here has become a nightmare. I guess its probably a nightmare everywhere else also seeing as if it got this bad in Quebec i a can only imagine what its like in Ontario or New York. So here goes my rant and stick with with me if it gets ugly because i just cannot figure out what the heck has happened.

1. BLINDER. They bozo! That little blue light on your dash showing a light means your high beams are on, NOT YOUR REGULAR LIGHTS. That light shouldn't be on unless your traveling through the forest of middle earth in a demented version of Lord Of The Rings. But thanks cause now i need laser surgery and i did enjoy spending 2 hours in the ditch from being blinded.

2. GAS IS ON THE RIGHT. If your going to drive in the left hand lane (passing lane) could you do it with some speed. No, me and the 4000 other people coming home from work following behind you have no interest in watching you pass the vehicle in the right lane by 4 miles and hour, the car in the center lane by 2 miles an hour and oh by the way you don't need to be half a mile in front of the middle lane vehicle before turning into the centre lane. YOUR NOT DRIVING A TRAIN!

3. NOT A PSYCHIC. I wish i was cause then i wouldn' t have rammed into the ass end of your car. That little arm sticking off your steering column on the left side is for indicating your intention to turn. Now i know between deciding to have potatoes or corn for a side plate is more important then telling EVERYONE else what you intent to do with that 4500 LBS vehicle your driving but could you just try. I guarantee you won't break your finger or anything. Oh by the way, up means your going to turn right and down means left. I know that's hard to remember. Kinda like; righty tighty, lefty loosey. Think you can handle that? Didn't think so!

4. HEY MULTI TASKER! You are barely qualified to drive. I can promise you you are not qualified to talk on your phone, eat a Big Mac and fries and try to read that file. Your wife can attest to your lack of multi- tasking capabilities (wink) Your being more interested in not getting special sauce (wink) on your shirt is not really important to the guy who's lane you just swerved into cutting him off and almost causing a 15 car pile up. The best part is you didn't even notice, cause you were to busy concentrating. One thing at a time. RIGHT?. EEH GAD.

5. OK GRANDPA i know your retired and you deserve to enjoy the rest of your life with your sweetie pie. Just not on the road. What in God's name made you think your qualified to drive a 35 ft motor home when the largest vehicle you ever drove when working was a Toyota Tercel. How do i know you drove a Tercel? WELL, cause its attached to the back of your motor home making the total length of your vehicle slightly less long then the empire state building.

6. CAPTAIN CAMPING! Listen your Ford F150 4x4 is really not qualified to substitute for a freight train locomotive. That 22 ft camper attached to your pick up with the 17 ft boat trailer attached to it making your total length about 51 ft is a hazard. Cause you might be in the right lane but if the wind is blowing the wrong way your boat is in the left lane and those foolish oversized mirrors won't even allow you to see that. Your kinda like an out of control anaconda except your on the highway not in the swamp. Suggestion. If you need to transport that much stuff to your destination might i suggest loading it all on a train or a flat bed 18 wheeler.

7. HEY MEGAN FOX! Your beautiful. That mirror hanging in the center of your windshield is NOT for applying your make-up or doing a last minute verification of your beauty before meeting that guy you met online. That mirror and the ones attached out side your driver side and passenger side door are for ensuring that you don't side swipe the family van that just passed you in the centre lane cause your going 100km Hr in the passing lane.

8. SPEED DEAMON! If its rush hour and traffic is backed up in every lane going 20 km Hr it won't matter how far you try and stick your front bumper up my ass i can't go anywhere. If your into that kinda thing i just want you to know i don't play for that team but I'm sure they have a bar in town somewhere where guys hang out that could satisfy that need you seem to have.

9. FENDER BENDER. In Quebec we have a thing called no fault insurance. Its like if your husband cheats on you and you cheat on him...its really no ones fault. NO it doesn't matter who did it first. You wanna take your little BMW and that little Audi out of the centre lane and go over to the shoulder to figure out who did what to who cause the police nor your insurance company cares about the 200 dollar scratch on your bumper or how it got there. GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY!

10. TAXI DRIVERS. Your all a bunch of idiots. Not one of you knows how to drive regardless of the needless time you spend sitting in your cab eating salami sandwiches.

11. HE'S ALREADY BUSY! Hey when you see a police car with his lights flashing and another vehicle stopped in front of him its cause the policeman is busy. He's already giving a ticket so he isn't likely to jump back in his car cause he thinks you might have been going 121 Km Hr. So no need to slam on the brakes to slow down he isn't coming to get you anyways.

Got anymore? Please feel free to add them. The simple fact is you could probably go on forever. The sad fact is that its gotten down right dangerous to be out on the road. Everyone gets into their car and closes the door and something really, really bad happens. They forget about everyone else. Yes we all are guilty at one time or another of doing things on the road that we should not. But if everyone just spend 5 minutes thinking and realizing that they are not alone on the road things might just get a little better. So ask me again who has the best and worst drivers. HA!

Happy driving everyone!

Robbie Hellstrom