The information did not compute, i had just visited my dad 3 weeks earlier with my children at his and my step-mothers (Pam) home in Ontario. He had just a week prior undergone a full stress test and had passed with flying colors...what was going on..how was this possible...it didn’t make sense...my Dad was 59 for God sakes; had been retired for 10 years..lived a quiet happy life on his hobby farm with his two labradors and his wife...not my Dad...it couldn’t be.
I remember finally saying something like, ‘’i’m on the way’’. I hung up, Brooke who never moved from the office door entrance had tears streaming down her face...i looked at her and said, ‘’please find me a flight to Montreal right away’’ i then picked up the phone and called my Sister Dawn in Norway..it was late, i said something like ‘’get a ticket and come home, Dad is gone’’. I don’t even recall what she said in response. The rest is a blur, the drive to the airport, i don’t even remember going there...in fact i couldn’t find my car when i eventually returned after my Dad’s funeral. At the check in line for the flight i got into a heated discussion with some pompous ass who was in more of a rush then the rest of the people waiting, he cut to the front of the line and i remember telling the bastard that if he thought he was in a rush it was nothing compared to me..my dad had just died and i was trying to make sure i didn’t miss the plane. For the rest of my life i will never forget what he said, ’’thats to bad for you but i really don’t give a shit’’ well obviously with that i went off the deep end and went after him. The check in guys (yeah there were two guys checking in the passengers that day) jumped up and started to pull me off the guy along with some other waiting passengers as i was simply going to kill him. I don’t remember much else of the incident. Its funny to this day i wished i could find that SOB again so i could stick my foot up his ass. I wonder if he ever considers his words that day? I doubt it! The rest of that afternoon is lost, the flight, the arrival at the airport i don’t remember any of it.
My father in law (Owen) the one who i had thought only 5 hours before had taken his own life met me at the Airport. I don’t remember any of the 1 hour drive home north of Montreal or much about that evening other then seeing my wife’s face and feeling completely and utterly powerless. The next morning i drove the 1 and a half hours to my Dad and Step Mom’s (Pam) house. Everything else from that point forward is just pieces of time, my devastated step mom, my step sisters Chris and Jen, my Brother arriving, picking up my sister at the airport, the funeral arrangements, Pam’s family being so supportive, the vist with my Dads Doctor to try and make sense of his death, the funeral itself, getting up and speaking about my Dad, the wake, i remember only snippets of it.
So today almost 8 years later after having watched my life literally disintegrate in front of my eyes i have found the words i wanted to say to my Dad to let him know that there is alot i wanted to tell him, then and now. I started work on this 2 years after he passed away, ever since i have kept it not far believing some day that i would bring it all together and formulate it, find a way to make it make sense. Recently i have come to the conclusion that there was no right way, no perfect way, but simply that it had to be finished, for my dad but in many ways for me. A way to perhaps say goodbye for real, away to make myself move forward.
To all my friends who are still fortunate to have your Dad’s in your lives perhaps think of the things you might say. Its always hard, its taken me 8 years, but you’ll never get the second chance cause once its done its done and their is an emptiness, a sadness, a regret which eats away at you, fills your dreams and creates a void that can never be filled. Learn from my mistake.
Dad,
I’m sorry, really truly sorry that i didn’t know that you were going to die the way you did, suddenly, i would have told you so many things before you went away, i want to say those things i should have said before and also some things that have happened since almost 8 years have passed;
* You were a good dad, i know you struggled alot with your own demons for some time and i know you paid an incredible price for some of your mistakes but you stood up and made yourself a better man and i know that almost every day you had to work hard to keep those demons at bay. It is from your courage that i have also tried to rise above the demons.
* I know now as i knew when i was 13 that you married a crazy woman. The woman who would make it almost impossible for you, my brother, my sister and me to have any kind of normal life.
* I know you considered yourself equally responsible for the collapse of your marriage and the impact and end results it had on your children. You might have been 50% responsible but thats it Dad just 50% no more so you can let that go wherever you are. Also thank you for teaching me not to hate. I saw many opportunities for you to have gone that route but you always chose the high road.
* I’m also sorry Dad if i did or said bad things to you when you first got divorced, i’m sorry if i didn’t realize how hard it was. Between 11 and 13 it was hard for me to figure it all out. Being divorced now myself i know what it must have been like for you. I also know that i was at times brainwashed by a mother who felt it was ok to try and turn her children against their father. I want you to know i’m sorry about anything i might have said or done during those years.
*I’m affraid now Dad that i am losing ground with my own children, that they perhaps see me in a light not to flattering, that they don’t understand the things i didn’t understand at their age. That i might lose them and not be able to be a good Father. It makes me sad.
* I know that you hated living in that 1 and a half room basement apartment in Lasalle when you first divorced, i know that you couldn’t afford anything more and i know that all those trips to walk around the mall with me and Davin on your weekends was to burn time because you didn’t have any money to do anything else. Its ok Dad i know the feeling now.
* I want you to know that i often lied to my friends in High School making up stories about what we did on those weekends...many of them had great stories about what they did with their families and i didn’t want to seem different. Sorry i lied sometimes.
*I know that those sunday nights when it was your weekend and we went to Harveys before you took us home and you paid mainly with spare change that that meant you didn’t have any money left for yourself until your next pay day.
* Dad thanks for giving me everything you could when you had nothing...but mainly you gave me so much that was important and had nothing to do with money...it took me a long time to understand your love and i’m sorry i never got to tell you how much i loved you and appreciated everything you did for me and Dawn and Davin.
*Dad I’ll always remember the Saturday nights when we were still a family, Davin and I used to get our PJ’s, our winter boots and coat and pile into the Charger to go down to the corner store to get our pack of Hockey cards before the Saturday night game. The glass of coke and the chips we got to eat as we sat at your feet watching the Canadiens play. I’d give anything to be 9 years old again.
*Over all the years I so much loved watching hockey with you, talking hockey with you, i remember the Wayne Gretzky poster you had of him. I know wherever you are you got to see me with him when i organized and hosted his charity event in Calgary i hope it made you happy to see your son with the athlete you most idolized.
* Those summers together at Grandma and Grandpa’s country house in Maple Grove were the best days of my life. I remember waiting up for you to get home late Friday nights after work so we could spend the weekend together. I remember the fishing and swimming trips, the boating and campfires. I remember the way you looked on those cool summer mornings as we headed out to go fishing...you sitting at the back of the boat with a cigarette in your mouth steering the boat to some destination only known to you, your dark hair blowing in the wind your eyes fixed on the horizon, just happy to be in your boat with your sons. I loved being in that boat with you Dad, no matter how rough the water got or how bad the weather was i always felt safe with you, i always knew you wouldn’t let anything bad happen.
*Dad you really looked ridiculous in your speedo when we went swimming...i was embarrassed ok.
*Dad i’m sorry i used to get mad at you inside when i saw you eyeing women 10 years younger then you, i hope my boys don’t harbour bad feelings towards me for doing exactly the same...i know now what you were looking at.
*I’m sorry for making you lose that really big fish that day when i was steering the boat and that huge fish kept jumping out of the water. That fish was huge Dad and i know i messed up. I’m really sorry.
*I once took 50 cents off your bureau at the country house cause i wanted to buy a popsicle for that girl Diane, she was really pretty and i wanted to impress her...i was 13, you know how that goes.
*I also want you to know that 4 years later i fooled around (if you can call it that when your 17) with that same girl in your bed at the country house while you were gone fishing. That popsicle paid off.
*Thanks for teaching me how to drive in those different cars on the country road in Maple Grove.
*Thanks for telling me and teaching me to never hit a woman.
*Dad i wish you had never introduced me to your porno mag collection, (by introducing i mean not finding a better place to hide them then in your closet on the floor) at 14 i was way to impressionable and i don’t think that was what they meant about the birds and bees convo between Father and Son but i figured it out ok. After all i do have 5 children...wait maybe on second thought you SHOULD have had that conversation with me...but its all good Dad i wouldn’t change a thing.
* I’m not mad at you for forgetting to pick me up that one night and leaving me all alone in the house. I was 10 and i was scared but i know you didn’t do it on purpose. I cried myself to sleep on the stairs-landing with all the lights on in the house. I was such a chicken.
*Dad i was always scared of the dark, in fact i was scared of just about everything, up until i was about 15 i was always scared. I think you already knew that but your the one who taught me how not to be scared, how to stand up and be strong. Thank you Dad.
*I want to admit to you that at 43 i’m still scared, i’ve been really scared since you left 8 years ago. Up until that time i always had you to talk to, i knew i could count on you, that you would guide me in the right direction, give me some small indication on which way to go or how to handle a problem. Its funny how you never understand any of what i just mentioned until you go to pick up the phone and realize that the person isn’t there anymore. I wish you were still here.
*Dad you were lucky to find Pam a woman who loved you with all her heart. I know she loved you very much. I also know that Jen and Chris considered you their Dad, they loved you very much and i know you loved them.
*Dad we haven’t done a very good job keeping the whole family together, you were the one who was the glue, you kept us all together but since you’ve gone we haven’t done what we should to stay together as a family i know this would disappoint you.
*Dad i want you to know that Owen became like a second dad to me, he treated me like his son, he took care of me and he filled a small part of the void you left. He was a seragate Dad and i ended up disappointing him like so many others who tried to love me.
*After you died i tried to reconcile with my mother, as you know 20 years went by and i never spoke with her. I thought maybe time would have changed her, that we could repair what had been broken, but i realized quickly that i couldn’t fix what was broken inside her and that time moved but she didn’t. Trying to go back was one of the biggest mistakes of the last 8 years. I hope you didn’t think i was a fool and that you understood what i was trying to do.
* Pam helped me alot Dad, i turned to her for help and she was always there, but like many things in my life i let her down and disappointed her. I'm very sorry for that.
* I know you know Ruth passed away last summer, i went to her funeral, the whole family was very very sad. She was a great lady and i know you loved her a great deal. I hope your together somewhere smiling, laughing and watching over your families.
* Hanging on the kids wall at the their house is the picture of you when you took them all for rides in your wagon attached to the back of your tractor. Dad you should see the size of the children now. Their incerdible, their healthy, smart and they have big hearts. That little girl who had just turned 9 when you passed away is now this grand 5 foot 9 Blonde with a newly aquired drivers permit. the 3 Boys are passing their Dad in height really really fast, the two oldest look alot like me and the youngest looks alot like his mom. The two yougest boys remember only parts of you, especially christmas times at your and Pams house. The two eldest have fond memories about the time they got to spend with you. Every day it makes me sad to not have you in their lives, you would have been such a positive influence. Their mom has done an incredible job with them and i have between my career and my pitfalls done the best i can. They are truly beautiful.
* Jen and Chris have some beautiful children and their growing fast, but i guess you can probably see that from wherever you are. It makes me sad to think you never got to meet all of them or my 4th son. Thats the hard part, its no so much that ''you'' miss it, Its that ''we'' miss it because we all knew what a great ''grandpa'' you were.
* Dawn and Davin are doing good i think. In fact you probably know better then me, as i mentioned we haven't done a great job staying together as a family. Both Dawn and Davin took on the demons of our mother long before i ever even attempted too. They both survived and excelled in their own ways and alot of that would be credited to you. You should see the size of Dawn's children..they are so big. I know they both think of you and miss you as much as i do.
*I want you to know that since you’ve been gone my life has been a pretty big disaster. In January of 2001 i lost my Mother in Law, 3 months later you, September 11th changed so much in my world even though i didn’t know anyone directly. Having spent the better part of the previous 5 years traveling on airplanes all the time i wondered what i would have done had I been on one of those planes, if i would have had the courage, the guts to take action, I like to tell myself yes but in the quietest moments i’m not at all sure.
*I’m glad you got to see some of my greatest accomplishments professionally and personally but i know from somewhere far away you have watched and you must be ashamed of your son for the things i have done the last 8 years. I lied to hide the truth, i cheated, i did things i never thought i would or could do. I hurt Heidi, I lost my family, everything i had. I don’t want to offer any excuses for the things i have done i only want you to know that its been hard, that its been a mess, that i tried to keep it together but haven’t done a very admirable job. I feel weak, disgusted with myself, i want to blame someone for what I have made of my life, but a mirror only reflects reality and the face looking back can not deny the face looking in. I’m sorry if i made you ashamed. I want you to know that i think i now have it turned around and if i have its in large part due to you.
Finally Dad i want to say goodbye, a real goodbye, the one i should have given you at your funeral but didn’t know how. I miss you so much, i miss talking to you, to hearing you laugh, watching your face light up as you saw your grandchildren. Thank you Dad for being a rock, for being human, for making mistakes i could learn from, for making me understand that everyone desreves alot of chances to get it right. Thanks for loving me even when i probably didn’t deserve to be loved, thanks for not judging me, for not trying to live your life through me, thanks for standing outside in the middle of winter in that oversized parka from Air Canada to make our backyard rink, thanks for getting up early all the time and taking me to soccer, hockey and whatever sport i was playing; for freezing your ass off or for getting rained on, for making time when you had no time. Thanks for always treating the girls i dated with respect and kindness, thanks for treating my first wife with love, dignity and respect. Thanks for putting up with mine, Dawn and Davin’s nonsense i know it must have seemed endless at times. Thanks for making it to a place where you were happy, a place with Pam and your dogs, a place where you could have had way more years but were deprived of that chance. Thanks for showing me that that kind of happiness is possible.Thanks for loving my children, thank you for creating for them some great memories. Thanks for building that huge train city on top of your out building and for letting me and the kids play train conductor every time we came to visit, thanks for letting me be a kid even though i was a grown man. Finally Dad, thank you for being my Dad there is no one i would rather have had. I love you. Goodbye Dad.
