40 AND LOOKING FOR WHAT?

So what do you do when your 40 and single? It seems more and more of us are in that boat. What prepares us for that eventuality? Well in most cases nothing but the reality of it all is quite clear. So if your 40, or close to it, or over it and your single; my comment is, "Good Luck"! I on the other hand being recently single was in a relationship for approximately 16 months with a great woman. We had some off and on periods during those 16 months but as a general rule we had a solid relationship. Eventually however we chose to go our separate ways. I admire her very much and we remain good friends.

So what do you do if your 40 and looking? Well i guess there are a lot of options. You can network through friends, work, clubs you belong too. You can always have a really bad flash back to the 80's and go clubbing....yeah you can be that perverted old guy in a club (that everyone laughs at) standing by himself with a drink grooving to the music surrounded by a bunch of twentysomethings. Or you can be that woman out on the prowl in the local well established cougar clubs (i love those clubs) or you can try what has quickly become the mantra, the Internet online match sites.

A friend of mine (you know who you are man!) suggested i take a foray into the world of online match making sites. HOLY CRAP! Well First of all there is like one Gazillion of them. Secondly there are some really scary people on there. Third you should see some of the pictures these people post of themselves; I'm sure i saw Jennifer Aniston and, Angelina Jolie on there. Fourth, you should read some of the stuff people write about themselves; i never knew there were that many perfect people in the world. These sites some of them with like 500,000 members (Jesus are there that many single people? Why the hell can't i find any in my home town?) have so many different bells and whistles you need an advance degree in PC programming to figure out how to tell people you hate eating liver.

Seriously though i decided that what better way to ensure that people don't respond to your add then by writing a TRUE description of yourself. So i did and here is how it reads;


MY ON LINE MATCH/DATING PROFILE

Hello i am a 1965 Model screw up, heavily over used, body deteriorating at rapid pace, (which means you don't want to go to a nudist beach with me). I have a good memory some days and...what was i saying? I am able to do basic math but don't ask me to pick up more then 5 things at the grocery store. I am twice divorced (well actually not divorced cause i lacked the courage and conviction to ask one of them to marry me). I basically messed up both relationships so the two women left me. I work hard at hardly working, i used to have lots of money but i pissed it all away on a variety of vices (if you get to know me I'll fill you in). I like women who generally just want to engage in physical activities (wink). I'm not at the point of needing any little blue pills yet, but if you want I'm more then willing to pop a few. Anything for a good time! I'm truly not a conversationalist nor a good listener so anything you have to say will be ignored. If the TV is on and your talking your not actually talking, just making noise. I have no clue how a Vacuum, Sink, Washer-dryer, Garbage Can or any other appliance or household amenity works other then the floor. No wait i do know how a dishwasher works....just not where you put those damn little soap pouches. I love working with tools but couldn't fix your car unless of course you want to die. I am not into cuddling after anything so your on your own...perhaps consider buying a hot water bottle. I care about my children, sports and work so you'll have to find a place for yourself on that list, most probably number 9 or 10 after my car and poker night and a few other things. It doesn't mean i won't love you, i just have priorities. I hate flowers so i won't bring you any, I'm off of chocolate (trying to maintain whats left of the deteriorating body) so head down to the local corner store and stock up for yourself. I like candle light dinners as it helps save on electricity costs. I enjoy good food as long as it can be picked up at the drive thru. I generally do not like kissing unless it is going to lead to something more interesting. I usually last about 2 minutes so do your best to maximize your pleasure and enjoyment. So any hot, single ladies out there who want a man of my incredible stature and substance send me an instant message.

P.S. I know i look allot like Brad Pitt in my photo thank you but be aware it was taken like 15 years ago so I've changed a little.

So what do you think friends? Do you think i can land a quality woman with that add? I'm telling you I'm feeling confident. I'm also feeling delusional. Hey if you have any single female friends turn them on to me OK...i could use the help.